Assigned Experiences
by floopdeedoopdee
Summary: Jay is kidnapped and traumatized. The question is, what really happened while he was gone and will Intelligence be able to bring him back from the darkness.
1. Chapter 1

Helloooooooo! Ok, so here's the scoop. This is a total revision. You will recognize a lot of it but I had to change a couple things since what I had written was making it hard to end it like I wanted. If you read it before, I hope you still like it.

I have to admit, this story has been the bane of my existence! I just don't have the discipline, patience or time for these multi-chapter stories. Kudos to you that do! After I finish Target and Jay, I will just stick to my one shots.

Ok, that's it. Without further adieux, I give you, Assigned Experiences REVISED…

P.S.

I don't own anything in regard to Chicago PD except my love for the show and it's characters. I am all about happy endings...it might not look like it but we'll get there eventually.

Subject warning: Implied rape, PTSD, self harm, torture.

 **CHAPTER 1**

Al's POV

The ambulance took Jay to University Hospital even though we wanted him to go to Med. University was closer and the paramedics were worried about Jay being combative. They couldn't safely sedate him again with a head injury and if he woke up they didn't want him to go off in such a small space - on wheels.

That's why we found ourselves in front of some random doctor giving us a rundown on Jay's condition in an unfamiliar waiting room. It's kind of sad, when you think of it, that any waiting room would be deemed 'familiar' but I guess that's something that comes with the job. Erin had arrived as soon as the doctor started talking. She gives Voight a dirty look for sending her on what turned out to be a wild goose chase with Burgess and Roman, when she could have been with the rest of the team when they found Jay.

"Detective Halstead is going to be okay. No internal injuries. Besides the multiple contusions, he has a good number of taser burns (?) covering his body." With this statement the doctor looks at Voight for confirmation and receives the Voight "affirmative grunt" in return. "His left shoulder and forearm have deep contusions but no broken bones. He has hairline fractures to three ribs on his left side, a grade 3 concussion that will need to be monitored, so we will be keeping him at the very least, overnight. He has a subconjunctival hemorrhage…" He sees the look of fear on our faces and continues, "…it sounds scarier than it is - it's a broken blood vessel in his eye, which is why his left eye is bloody. It will dissipate in a couple of days. He has a slight sprain and 60 stitches in the ankle from the cuffs during the struggle. These will need to be monitored for infection.

Antonio exhales an angry "Jesus."

The doctor continues, "We still have him sedated. He started to struggle again during the CT and we had no other choice than to sedate him. Given his injuries, he's going to be in quite a bit of pain so I've written an order for morphine to control his pain when he comes out of the sedation."

"When can we see him?" Which really means, 'I want to see him right now!' when Erin asks it.

"We are waiting for a room to become available. I'll have the nurse get you when they move him." With that he makes his exit and we return to our seats. I'm sure we are all thinking the same thing; relief that Jay is okay and worry over how he reacted when we tried to free him from the cuffs. Ten minutes later we hear footsteps running down the hall. Ruzek sticks his head out and waves at, I'm assuming Will, to let him know where we are. Will and Dr. Rhodes burst through the door moments later.

"Is he okay? What the hell happened?" Panic is written all over Will's face. He's not in "doctor" mode right now, hasn't been since Voight called him almost 24 hours ago when Jay first went missing. For now Will's in "freaked out brother" mode. Antonio speaks up. He starts with what the doctor just said and moves on to how they found Jay.

"We got a lead on Flen, the suspect. It panned out. We were able to not only confirm who he was but where he lived and worked."

Ruzek takes over; "We broke the door down and found Jay unconscious, Flen standing over him with a taser. When he went to tase Jay again, Voight shot him. Jay was tied to a chair, naked, except for a sheet over his lap…"

"He's dead, the guy?"

"Ya, Will he's dead. He can't hurt Jay anymore."

Ruzek continues, "…when Jay was coming to, he started to panic as soon as we started to uncuff him. We had got his arms free and one of his legs when he really lost it. You could tell he was badly injured and probably in a lot of pain based on the bruises, burns and cuts on his body. He was still sort of confused and out of it yet he fought all 5 of us, while his foot was still hooked to a chair. It took all of us to subdue him enough so he wouldn't hurt himself more. He still struggled the whole time. We could barely hold him until the ambo got there and paramedics could sedate him."

Erin listens, hand over her mouth in disbelief. This is all new information to her since she wasn't on the raid.

Towards the end of Ruzek's story, Rhodes leaves the group and approaches the doctor that treated Jay. Seconds into the conversation Rhodes was getting upset. Then everyone turned their attention to Rhodes when he yelled, "Are you fucking kidding me? Why didn't you?" Rhodes glares at the doctor as he remains silent. "It's protocol. Do it!" Will heads down the hall to Rhodes as the University doctor leaves, looking intimidated. Rhodes says something and Will looks stunned, then collapses into a crouch, grabbing his head like he's doing everything he can to keep it in place while he stares at the floor. Rhodes puts his hand on Will's shoulder but he springs back up and storms outside. Only stopping long enough to put his fist through a wall on the way there. Voight leaves the group, heading towards Rhodes but looking after Will. We all look on, stunned. Will is usually mild mannered and calm, even if the shit's hitting the fan. Atwater says what we are all thinking, "what the hell?!"

"What's going on Rhodes. What are they keeping us?"

"They aren't keeping anything from you, except their stupidity, which they are only now aware of." He hangs his head and sighs, "They didn't do a rape kit Voight. They should have done a rape kit." Voight stoically takes this in. A gravelly "Hmph" is the start of his reply. "They're doing one now?" Rhodes only nods. "Good." Then, "Voight, I need you to take Will back to Med. We'll be there soon. I'm not leaving Jay here." Voight nods and walks out the door after Will.

Rhodes is at the nurses station being an asshole to the Attending Physician. He turns to us when we approach him, looking exasperated and like he is barely keeping his anger in check. Before we can ask, he lead us away from the desk and back to the waiting room. He huffs and says, "They didn't do a rape kit. They're doing one now and then we're transferring him to Med. I need you guys to head over. Voight is on his way there with Will." And then he just walks away into what, I am assuming, is Jay's treatment room.

Whatever anger we were keeping a lid on when Jay was first brought in has reached its boiling point. All we can do is glare at each other in our shared rage at what happened to Jay and what we are afraid might have also happened. Before any of us can unleash our mutual anger in a strange ER, we head over to Med, where they will understand our rage and join us in it.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Antonio's POV

Erin climbs in my car and we head over to Med in silence. Both of us wrapped up in our own thoughts. I park the car in ER parking and when I move to get out of the car, Erin grabs my arm. Emotions running high, I look at her with an exasperated, "What?" knowing full well what is coming.

"What aren't you saying? I saw your faces when you were telling us what happened. You were leaving something out. Spill it."

I sigh, and take a few seconds to gather my thoughts and courage. "Er, he didn't know us. He looked so beat up and hurt, covered in bruises cuts and burns. When we went to feel for a pulse and make sure he was alive he started to come to. Al and Ruzek were uncuffing him and he wasn't seeing us, he was seeing someone else. Then he panicked and started to fight. He didn't know who we were and he was fighting for his life against us. What Adam said was really the whole story but the panic and terror in his eyes was…" I shake my head. "Erin, I don't have the words. It was heartbreaking. It was…it killed me to see it. The kid's like my little brother and to have him terrified of me; God, that's one of those memories you hope you can forget but know you never will."

I pause for a breath and rub my eyes so the tears don't have a chance to fall. "Er, there where five of us, five, and we could barely hold him. He might be thin and wiry, but the kid's all muscle. Jay was killing himself to get away from us and _we_ were hurting him by trying to stop it but we had to. He had already slammed his head against the floor, the wall, in the struggle, all in desperation to get away from us, his friends, hell, his family. When we had him pinned down, he started to cry, saying over and over, 'No, no, no.' And now given what Rhodes suspects, those words kill me and we were fucking pinning him down." The tears I was trying hold had their way and spilled down my face. We were pinning him down Erin!"

I take a few moments to breathe. "I don't think anyone thought about it, what might have happened. We just thought he…God…and then the paramedics arrived."

Erin sits and takes this all it, silent tears flowing as she stares into nothing. Finally she looks at me - there are so many emotions fighting for control of her face. Finally it settles on what looks like profound sadness. She gives me a nod and gets out of the car. I walk around the car and pull her into a hug. She clings to me briefly like her life depended on it. I give her a kiss on the top of her head and a final squeeze before she lets go and heads into the ER. Before I follow her into Med, I take a second to compose myself. I had forgotten that Voight took a computer and a stack of photos from Flen's apartment but don't tell her that.

JAY - 2 hours after abduction

When he first started to wake up, before he even opened his eyes, he knew something was wrong. His thoughts were jumbled. He felt drugged. He tried to grab onto a thought, a word, a sentence, anything floating aimlessly in his mind but everything seemed just out of reach. He didn't know where he was but he knew he was uncomfortable. He knew that something bad had happened but he didn't know what. He was in pain, a lot of pain. That much he knew. He started to wonder if maybe he was in a car accident. He tried to remember the accident but nothing came to him.

Then, bits of memories started to surface and he knew it wasn't an accident…He tried to move his arms and found he couldn't. He gave them a jerk and felt handcuffs dig into his wrists. God, it wasn't an accident. He realized…no, no…I need to stop these thoughts. Stop. Stop thinking. I don't want the bits coming forward from my subconscious but I can't stop them. I can feel the panic rising up, on the brink of overwhelming me. Shit. Calm down. What does that even mean? Oh God. I gasp. My chest tightens. Shit. Breathe, no breath, can't. breathe. I lean back hoping that will help me draw breath…no. The panic increases. I'm suffocating, ugh, the pain in my chest, Oh God. Gasping, choking, no air, no, no, no, until finally I feel myself slump, slipping towards darkness, towards stillness. Maybe I'll be able to breathe there. Maybe I won't need to breathe. Before I go, I feel a presence in front of me, breath on my face, then neck. No…my heart clenches…no…then black. It's a welcome oblivion.

Hour 5 of captivity

It was the pain that woke Jay up and because of it he was able to lock onto a clearer understanding of his situation. He knew he had been drugged, but by who and why? That thought made his head hurt worse and it already felt like it was going to explode. He'd save it for later. Those questions were too hard. He could feel the residual affects of the drug in his body as his mind somewhat cleared of the haze. He didn't know what was worse, having a jumbled, confused mind or becoming more and more clear of what was going on.

He decided to focus on what hurt. He still couldn't open his eyes. It just took too much effort and besides, he wasn't sure he would like what he saw. He had an excruciating headache and if there was light beyond his closed eyes, it would make his headache even worse. Think…the injuries…he was sitting down in an uncomfortable chair and again realized that his hands were tied, no, handcuffed, they were handcuffed behind his back. He could feel the hard, pinching steel tight around his raw wrists. The cuffs were pulled too tight to the chair, forcing him to sit upright. His shoulders and back ached from this uncomfortable position.

There was a small part of him that resisted this process…resisted trying to figure out what had happened. There was a thought knocking around his head that he didn't want to look at so he pushed it aside.

Injuries, focus on the injuries. The more conscious he became the more he started to realized just how much pain he was in. He felt like he had been beaten raw. His jaw hurt and his left eye was killing him. It felt like he had dry blood on the left side of his face. His eyebrow stung and he felt a sharper pain on the crown of his head. He must have been hit with something. He guessed he had bruised, possibly cracked ribs based on the pain in his chest and side. His legs hurt. His ankles were raw, also cuffed to the chair and he didn't have any shoes or socks on.

He was cold. Really cold. He could feel air moving across his chest, his arms and legs…across his skin…across his skin…he was naked. There was a sheet or towel, something, covering his lap and hips. But other that that he had nothing on. He squeezed his eyes shut. Refusing to open them. He shivered, making the pain in his body intensify. Why was he naked?

He didn't know if he was shivering from cold, fear or revulsion but his skin was crawling. That's when he started to have another panic attack. He tried to slow his breathing. He needed to stay focused if he was going to get out of whatever situation he was in. Breathe. He almost had his panic attack under control when a single finger slid across his chest, his shoulder and down his arm. Jay felt someone move behind him, lean in and whisper, lips lightly brushing his ear, "hello lover." Jay arched his back then thrust his body to the side, tipping over the chair in the process, as he physically tried to get away from the voice. He cried out in pain as he hit the floor.

The owner of the voice chuckled as he leaned over Jay and started to unlock the cuffs holding him to the chair. "Jay, Jay, Jay…the fun's just about to start. Why would you want to leave?" Jay then felt the sharp, stinging, ache of a syringe plunging into his neck, releasing the drug into his muscle. A wave of dizziness spun out of control in his head and then all he felt was high. "Feeling good Jay," the voice asked. Jay could only blink in what felt like slow motion. Then the chuckle came again, "Good, party time."

Hour 7 of captivity

The next time he came to, his immediate thought was; what had been done to him? That thought got his mind spiraling out of control. He didn't even have time to feel the pain in his body, he jumped right to the pain of his thoughts. He started to lose his breath. His skin was crawling with the revulsion he was feeling and felt like this time he was going to throw up. He tried to push the thoughts away but they kept invading his mind, sending him into a panic. The bits and pieces surfacing were too painful. He couldn't push them away.

It finally became too much and he found himself leaning over the side of the chair throwing up, each spasm sending a bolt of pain through his head. It's not real. None of it was real. He was in the middle of this thought, trying to catch his breath after throwing up, when suddenly a plastic bag was thrown over his head, stealing the last of the oxygen from his lungs. He writhed against the chair, fighting for breath, cutting up his wrists and ankles even more against the steel of the cuffs holding him, fighting for escape. And then the world went black and all anxiety left him. He had probably been out only seconds when he was brought back from the blackness by a crash of lightning coursing through his body. Taser.

Flen POV - Hour 11 of captivity

I watch Jay come to and smile as he immediately starts to panic. After a few moments of struggle he is finally able to calm himself and steady his breathing. I had gagged him this time, probably making it even harder to breathe. As much as he tried not to scream, he eventually did. It didn't matter, I didn't have neighbors. The gag was more for me. Something new. I liked it but found the screaming more satisfying. After a moment he opens his eyes and takes in the room around him until he sees me and freezes.

"Hello again Jay. I thought we would switch up our fun this morning. Just breathe. You okay?" I lean down in front of him and talk to him like he's a child. "You ready?" He tenses up as I move the taser close to him. "Now, Jaaaaayyy, if you tense up, it's only going to hurt more." Again, I move the taser close to his shoulder, the fear evident in his eyes. I stand back and take him in. He's been through the wringer. "You have really been through the wringer Jay… let's do it again."

I wave the taser around again but this time I strike. It's gratifying to see him grimace in pain, eyes closed tightly, jaw clenched, as his body shakes with the electricity. I remove the taser and his body continues to tremble as he gasps in pain and probably relief. He continues to gasp for breath as I watch. His eyes are on me. I can see the pain and confusion in them as he tries to make out the 'why' of this situation. I enjoy that look so I tase him again, longer this time…

Hour 14 of captivity.

"Jay?" I slap his cheek, too much snoozing going on. "Jay, you need to wake up. We need to talk." I slap him again, a little harder and this time he stirs. I grab his hair and pull his head back. He winces. "Wakey, wakey." He blinks his eyes open and looks at me. I can tell he is trying to clear the haze brought on by hours of glorious torture.

"Do you remember me?" I can see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to figure out who I am. The fact that he doesn't remember, pisses me off. "Well then, let's have some more fun until you remember, shall we?"

Three quick body blows only elicit a grunt and another wince from him. It hurts my hand, so I opt for the drug. He watches me as I fill the syringe, this brings out the most fear in him. I smile. He knows what's coming.

"I'm sorry Jay. I know you're in a lot of pain so we're going to switch things up to something that's a little more enjoyable to me." I inject the ketamine into the same bruised spot on his neck that I've already stuck countless times. I wait until he gets that far away stoned look in his eyes. "Ok! It's party time!" I start to unbuckle by belt as his whole body tenses and despair lights in his eyes.

When his eyes finally flutter and close and his head hits his chest I buckle my pants back up. For good measure I punch him in the face, "Fuck you asshole! Let your imagination run. You should've remembered me."

Hour 23 of captivity

I have continued my fun again and again, hour after hour. An endless cycle of pain, despair, unconsciousness, then rest. Each time he wakes there is only pain and despair in his eyes. Any sign of defiance or fight has long abandoned him. Well, to be honest, I'm sure it's hard to fight when you are handcuffed to a chair.

I'm using the taser again when my burner phone rings. Before I answer, I give Jay one more for good measure and again he passes out.

"What." I answer and listen to the voice on the line. "No. He's out. I've been using the taser…He's come to a couple of times and I'll mess with him a bit, fuck with his mind and then use the K and put him out again…he won't know if he's coming or going…It'll work. It's already working…I do just enough to get him in that mindset and then with the K, he's going to think it happened. He's going to leave here battered, bruised and thinking he's been raped…trust me on this…okay…ya, I'll let you know when they 'rescue' him, then it's your turn."

I walk back over to Jay as he starts to stir and help him wake up with a very gratifying tase to his abdomen, cutting him as a bonus when he jerks into it and waking him with the electricity.

He's about to tase Jay again when the door is kicked in and Voight's bullet finds his brain. His final thought, before the gun went off was, "they're early."


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

MED Waiting room

Ruzek POV

When I looked at the clock above the door, it was exactly 6 minutes later than the last time I checked. I'm watching the conversation Voight is having with Mouse in the hall. Mouse is stoic while taking in the news from Voight. Then Voight bestows that one tidbit of information and Mouse's face crumbles. Voight gives him a minute to compose himself then hands him a computer and…ahh fuck, fuck fuck…a digital recorder…fuck I forgot about the camera on the tripod in the rush to get to the hospital. I close my eyes for a second trying to contain my emotions with this new bit of information. When I open my eyes Mouse is gone.

Voight sits by Al again. It's 3 minutes later than the last time I checked - 93 minutes since Rhodes arrived with Jay from the other hospital. I don't think I have ever been so uncomfortable, anxious, angry and sad; a real shit cocktail of emotions that make me want to puke. As I look around at the rest of the team, I can see they're all feeling the same thing. I don't think any of us has gone a minute without moving in some way, shape or form. We're all too antsy. Even Al and Voight can't sit still and that right there should tell you how fucked up this situation is. I feel my eyes gravitating to the clock again and I stop myself. Knowing how long we've been sitting here isn't going to help anything.

I can't keep my thoughts from wandering back to when they finally brought Jay into Med. Something had happened after we left University but I don't know what. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. All I know, is that Jay was unconscious, in soft restraints and had another cut on his face that he didn't have before. My head goes back and forth between what happened with Flen and what happened since we left for Med. And when I wasn't thinking about that, I was being an asshole and thinking about how 'this' - the whole, 'was Jay raped?' thing, would affect Jay, the team, affect Jay and Erin, affect me and Jay and our friendship, blah, blah, blah. I was worried about how 'this' would change everything. God, I'm such an asshole. I wanted to think about something, anything so I wouldn't have to think about what 'this' really was.

We were at 127 minutes when Rhodes finally walked into the waiting room.

"He's going to be okay guys. Nothing has really changed from what they said at University. We did another CT scan to be sure. He does have a severe concussion but confirmation of that doesn't really change anything. He's going to be here a couple of days."

We take in this information. Everyone silent, no one wanting to ask the question but everyone wanting to know the answer. Finally Voight asks what we all want to know. "What about the rape kit, Rhodes?"

"That's where we ran into some problems. We haven't been able to do one. Jay was still pretty confused and out of it. He became combative at University when it was suggested, hence the restraints." He sighs, frustrated and sad about the situation. "He's still in the ED and sedated. Will's with him right now and Dr. Charles is standing by. They are going to talk to him together. As you all know, time is a factor, and even though it should be done as soon as possible, we still have time to work with. I'll let you know when we have more information."

We are all quiet, lost in our own thoughts. Voight is the first to speak and I have to tell you I have never been so grateful to hear his gruff, angry voice. "We're all going back to the precinct and get to work on the paperwork. No arguments. Antonio, Al, I want you back at the scene. See if you can find anything about a motive. Will's here with Jay, so he won't be alone. I'll let Rhodes know we're leaving and to call us when we can see Jay."

I have to say, and I might be continuing my streak as an asshole but I'm glad he's having us leave. As much as I want to be here to support Jay, I just don't know how to do that right now. I need to get my shit together.

LATER

Flen's Accomplice POV

So Flen is dead. Or at least that is what I am surmising from my police scanner. No matter. I not going to let his death keep me from my revenge. Especially since he got his turn.

I have been waiting for this, planning for this, for a long time. When I think about it, it's really quite comical how Intelligence thought they could protect Jay Halstead from us. It just made the game more of a challenge and with a challenge, it became more fun, more creative and therefore more pain, emotional and physical, for Detective Jay Halstead. Intelligence forced us to stretch beyond the limits of our imagination. It made them complicit, in a way, to the trauma the young Detective was going through; which made the revenge that much sweeter. So, here I stand, taking in the form of the physically fit man, who had been reduced to a pile of physically fit rubble, which was oh so lovely, to be sure, but it was the mental anguish that went with it that healed our own inner wounds - wounds for which Detective Jay Halstead was to blame.

I had liked to talk with Flen about the plan and imagine the CPD's elite Intelligence Unit's frustration in trying to figure out who was behind the torture of the 'heart' and 'moral compass' of their precious unit. It was really quite enjoyable. Even if neither of us came out of this alive, they were making their last days on earth count. Revenge, sweet, sweet revenge - nothing beats that.

Now, where was I…Oh, yes…

I lean over Jay, my smile growing as I study Jay's bruised face, a work of art, I have to admit. I feel challenged to out do Flen's handiwork - my first move, I feel, will in and of itself top what Flen did but I'm not a one trick pony. I have more up my sleeve. With an excited sigh I lean back and pull on my gloves, never taking my eyes off Jay. Now that it's my turn with him, my excitement is palpable. I grab the injection port of the IV line and insert the needle but don't push down on the plunger - yet.

He leans into Jay again and gives his cheek a few light slaps and waits. It takes a moment before Jay's eyes start to flutter and finally open. He blinks trying to focus and is confused, then afraid when he is finally able to see the stranger leaning over him. He opens his mouth to call out when a hand is slapped over it. The stranger smiles, "Hey buddy, remember me?" Jay's eyes don't leave the strange face above him. "Probably not. That's okay. It's not necessary for our fun." Jay tries to struggle and get away but in his weakened state and pain riddled body he can barely move. I laugh. "You ready?" Jay's eyes widen in fear as I lean down, smile and bite his neck where it meets his shoulder. Jay's scream in pain is muffled with my hand covering his mouth. I push the plunger and stay in that position until I feel Jay's struggling body weaken. Leaning back, I watch Jay blink in slow motion. A touch of fear and then confusion wins and is written all over his face. A laugh escapes as I wipe my mouth. I didn't break skin but the detective will have a nice bruise and new fodder for his imagination to run rampant. One final peak out the door. It's clear. I take in the room then get to work arranging the scene.

He starts by punching Jay in the ribs, hearing a satisfying "crack" at the impact. The look of pain on Jay's face is glorious before it sends him to oblivion. The lack of struggle is surprisingly gratifying. "How'd that feel asshole?" He continues by punching Jay a couple times in the face, opening up the cut above his eyebrow and splitting his lip. The blood starts to drip down Jay's face as his head lolls to the side. The assailant picks up the pace arranging the scene. He quickly cuts off Jay's T-shirt, exposing the taser burns and bruising on his chest, and discards it on the floor. He cuts the bandages off Jay's damaged wrists and uses the oxygen tubing coiled above Jay's bed to tie them together, then above his head. He flings the covers off so they are barely hanging on the bed. He looks at Jay again, so far so good. He is humming under his breath as he unties the draw string of the blue scrub pants Jay is wearing and pulls the waist open as loose as it will go. He tugs the scrubs down a couple of inches so they sit low on his hips. Then, as an after thought, takes his knife and cuts the waist band of the scrubs over the asshole's left hip, drawing blood as he does. He likes this accidental injury, even more so when he sees how much it is bleeding. He checks the door again, all clear. He looks at Jay's body for a few seconds admiring his handiwork - arms tied above his head, naked torso, scrub pants low on hips - cut on the hip bleeding profusely, cut above eye with blood running down his peacefully unconscious face. But it feels like it's missing something…what else he can do...then a grin spreads over his face...

ANTONIO POV

Al and I are in the lobby waiting for Voight. We weren't able to get any new information from Flen's apartment. The CSI's will run prints and check for DNA. Since Voight took the pictures, computer and camera right off the bat, there wasn't really anything else to do there. We tell Voight all of this when he gets there and he updates us on Jay.

"Will and Dr. Charles talked to Jay and he agreed to the rape kit. Will's a mess, worried about Jay, which is to be expected. He said he's never seen Jay like this before, which is understandable. No jokes, no sarcasm to ease everyone else's mind, Jay's despondent, barely talking and he won't look anyone in the eye."

Al chimes in, "Shit…" And that's all he says, because what else can you say. Jay's like a son to Al, this is tearing us all up and we are all dealing with in it our own ways.

Voight continues, "He asked to be sedated when they ran the kit and he didn't want anyone he knew to do it. Rhodes worked something out. He said he trusts the Nurse Practitioner that did it and Will seemed relieved at the choice. Dr. Charles also spoke very highly of her, so that was one thing that went our way. They moved him to a private room about an hour ago and Platt has a unifrom covering the door."

We weren't sure if a guard was really necessary now that Flen was dead but since we still didn't have all the details of Jay's abduction and hadn't talked to him yet, we decided to error on the side of caution.

We're walking down the hall, continuing the discussion we started in the elevator, about how to approach Jay with the questions we need to ask, when we notice the guard isn't by Jay's door. The discussion forgotten, we run to Jay's room and are stopped in our tracks by what we see. Voight springs into action first, yelling Jay's name and checking for a pulse while I finally get it together and cut his arms loose. I take in Jay's body, the blood on his face, on his hip and the heart painted on his chest in blood. I look over at Voight. His own eyes leave Jay's body and meet mine. I'm sure his rage filled eyes mirror my own. I look around the room then, checking for anything else out of place...besides Jay's tattered T-shirt laying on the floor.

"Hank…"

We both follow Al's line of sight as he puts pressure on Jay's bleeding hip, to see what he's looking at. A toe tag hangs from Jay's injured foot with one word written on it, "Soon." With a huff Voight jumps on the coms and tells the team to get the hell down here, not answering questions just repeating the order with more swearing. Al sprints out of the room saying something about "nurse's station, security and lock down." I call Will and ask him to come up to the room in as calm of voice I can muster so he doesn't freak out too bad. Then I pick up the covers from Jay's bed and cover him up. I get lost in the rage and sadness I feel for my friend. This whole situation is so fucked up. I can't imagine what this is going to do to Jay's psyche. How does a person recover from this kind of bullshit. I adjust the blanket over Jay, tucking him in like a child. It's the only thing I can think of to make him feel safe. It's the only thing I can do in the moment to make ME feel like I'm helping him.

I come back to reality, hearing Voight in the hall talking to Platt. "Who the hell did you have on Halstead's door?"

"Why what happened?"

"TRUDY! Who the hell did you have on Halstead's door!"

"Baker. With Roman set to relieve him."

"Get Roman down here and get a hold of Baker."

"Got it, Hank."

Hank turns to me, "Stay on Jay's door. Call security and after they have this place locked down, have them start looking for Bakers body. I'm going to head off Will at the nurses station. I want to talk to him before he gets to the room."

"Bakers body?"

"Baker's good police. He comes from a long line of good police, if he's not at this door then he's either injured or dead and given these assholes I'm thinking dead. "

"Fuck! Copy that Sarge."


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

FLASHBACK TO JUST AFTER JAY'S ARRIVAL AT MED

WILL'S POV

I had them take off the restraints as soon as they brought Jay into the last bay of the ER. It's rarely used and I wanted Jay to have as much privacy as possible. Dr. Charles and I are talking about anything that would qualify as small talk until Jay wakes up. We need Jay to hear familiar voices as he is coming to. Hopefully this will give him a sense of security as he wakes up.

I have been watching Jay throughout our conversation. I noticed he was coming to a few minutes ago with a nod at Dr. Charles as we continue our conversation. When I know he is awake but still pretending to be asleep, I give it a go and talk to him.

"Jay. Can you open your eyes and look at me?" Nothing. "Jay? I need to talk to you and I'd like you to look at me." Still nothing. "Come on brother, you're starting to freak me out."

Jay opens his eyes then, takes in Dr. Charles and I but doesn't look either of us in the eye before turning his head to the wall with a wince.

I want to touch him, to give him a big bear hug and tell him everything will be okay, but I know I can't touch him. Given the circumstances, that would just scare him and just makes my heart break a little bit more.

"Jay, I know you don't want to do this and I wish to God that there wasn't even a need for it but I need you to let them do the rape kit."

With the mention of the rape kit his entire body tenses, causing his face to scrunch up in pain but he still keeps his eyes on the wall.

"Jay…"

A minute or so later he finally turns and looks at me, looks me in the eye. The depth of pain in his eyes almost kills me. It brings me to tears which I immediately I blink away. I don't get to cry right now. I need to be strong for Jay. There will be time for crying later, when I'm alone. We continue to look at each other until he finally gives me an almost imperceptible nod and then turns away from me, a single tear making its way down his bruised face.

Present Time

ANTONIO'S POV

The hospital was locked down. The guy was in the wind and Baker was dead. Atwater and Ruzek were going through footage to see if any of the hospital cameras caught anything.

Voight was somewhere doing something, probably illegal, to catch this guy. I almost feel bad for whatever CI, gangbanger or druggie he is questioning.

Will is somewhere with Dr. Charles, freaking out.

Erin, Al and I sit by Jay's bed waiting for him to wake up. Given what we know of the latest attack on Jay and the timeline we have ruled out any additional sexual assault. Thank God. But his new injuries are showing, except for the cut on his hip that took 24 stitches to close. His whole left side is bruised from the additional cracked ribs, he has a split lip and a new cut surrounded by an angry bruise on his eyebrow. His "old" bruises are getting darker and amongst all of this are the new taser burns on his chest covered in a thick layer of burn ointment. Jay's a mess and we're all angry…and sad but anger is the dominant emotion in all of us.

Rhodes thought it would be a couple of hours before Jay woke up. According to his blood work there was still ketamine in his system. It looks like the fucker gave him the max you could give someone without killing them.

JAY - LATER

When he wakes up he doesn't stir but pretends to be still sleeping. He can't face anyone. He has a sheet over him, pulled up to his waist. He feels very exposed and wants so badly to pull it up to his chin and take every blanket he can find and pile it on top.

He hates that he feels this way. He feels like he should be stronger. He should be telling himself what he tells rape victims but can't bring himself to do it. One, because he won't believe it and two, because he doesn't want to believe the circumstances that such a conversation would be needed.

He can feel them in the room with him, Erin, Antonio and Al. He just wants them to leave. They've stopped trying to talk to him and are just "being with him." That makes him feel even more uncomfortable. Please leave. Or go sit outside my door if you feel like you need to protect me and "be with me" out there.

He wavers back and forth between shame and guilt…fear and embarrassment…rage and sadness…despair, all of the above…and weak. He feels weak. The feelings are overwhelming and they, Antonio, Al and Erin, are forcing him right into them, into his thoughts because be can't stand the thought of being awake with them which just brings a different kind of anxious. He feels like he can't get his footing in the here and now. He needs to figure this out. He needs everything out there to just STOP.

He squeezes his eyes shut tighter. He can hear the three of them breathing. It is too loud. The occasional announcement over the intercom system, the rattle of the meds cart, the conversations of other people in other rooms are too loud. Someone comes in and adds his own rhythm to the breathing…Voight. He knows they are all silently communicating but it isn't silent to him. It is screaming in his ears.

Ruzek and Atwater arrive and it takes one word to put him over the edge, Ruzek's "Boss…". That was as far as Adam got before his dark world starts to spin and his breathing hitches and speeds up. He clenches his eyes tighter if that is even possible. The team doesn't realize it at first but when they do, they try to calm him down, which makes it worse. He can't breath, his hands clawing at his chest. It feels like an elephant is sitting on it.

Someone makes the mistake of touching him and all hell breaks loose. He thrashes and screams with what breath he has left. He can't breathe and he can't get away from them. His arm makes contact with something, someone? They are all touching him now trying to hold him down so he doesn't hurt himself which makes him struggle harder. Suddenly he is airborne. He hits the floor with a crash, tipping something over in the process. The momentum of the fall smacks his head into the wall awakening the headache that had finally started to subside. The blow to his head stuns him so he calms a little, limbs no longer flailing. He still can't breathe as he half sits half lays curled in the corner.

He vaguely hears new voices as other voices back off and it gets quieter. He hears his name and feels a hand lightly touching his chest…for some reason this touch doesn't freak him out. The touch is accompanied by a soft voice. A voice he knows, a voice he has always trusted. A voice that too many times in his life had been his salvation. He doesn't know what the voice is saying but it is helping, it is anchoring him, makes him feel safe.

His breathing is evening out and realizes there is a mask on his face providing him with the oxygen he craves. He continues to breathe as the hand stays on his chest and he starts to understand what Will is saying.

"Come on Jay. That's it just breathe. You're okay. Slow breaths. Follow my breathing. It's okay, You're okay, brother, I'm here." When his breathing finally steadies the mask goes away but he continues to tremble under Will's hand. "I gotcha Jay, I got ya."

Finally he opens his eyes for what feels like the first time in hours. "Will?"

"Ya, Jay I'm here." And that's when the tears start and eventually the silent tears turn to sobs as Will sits on the floor hugging his brother to his chest.

He was oblivious to everyone but his brother. As soon as Jay heard him the rest of the world went away. He wasn't aware of Rhodes ushering the team out in the hall. He wasn't aware of the pacing or the worried looks at him or the looks they threw at each other. He wasn't aware of the subtle peeks into the room by various members of the team, desperately wanting to see that Jay was okay. He wasn't aware when Rhodes cocked his head towards the waiting room and they all left. And he wasn't aware of Dr. Charles arriving and shutting the door in his wake.

When his sobs lessened and the tears stopped falling, his grip on Will's shirt finally loosened until his arms fell limply to his sides. Finally passing out from pain and anguish as the adrenaline coursing through his body subsided. Rhodes must have come back into the room at some point because now he was crouched by Will.

"He's out." Will gives a slight nod and together with Dr. Charles help, they carefully move Jay's unconscious body back to the bed.

"We're going to have to take him down for a CT. He hit his head pretty hard." Will just nods as he cleans up Jay's bleeding arm where he ripped out the IV in his fall and moves to his other arm to put in a new line.

Giving a nod to the long scratch down Jay's side, Rhodes asks, "Does he need stitches?"

It's almost like he doesn't hear Rhodes speaking at first, "Will…"

"No…no stitches. Steri strips will work. I'll do it and then we can take him down."

"Okay…be right back, I'll let CT know we're coming."

Dr. Charles is on the other side of the bed. Fixing Jay's blankets but focusing more on Will. Will doesn't say anything but can feel Dr. Charles watching him…trying to figure out what's going on in his head. You don't have to be a psychiatrist to figure that out. Will continues to ignore him. Finally, when Jay is situated and ready to be moved, he looks at Dr. Charles, "You're not going to put him in the psych ward." He doesn't say it with anger or even fear. He says it as an "over my dead body" statement.

"Will, I wouldn't even suggest it. Jay doesn't need to be in a psych ward. What happened to him was painful and traumatic. He is still in that trauma. Since he was found in that apartment, it has been a continuous cycle of him waking and not knowing where he is or what's happening over and over, re-traumatizing him each time. He hasn't been able to get his bearings. The only real conversation that even had a chance to ground him, get him to feel safe, was the 5 minutes we convinced him to do the rape kit. And then we sedated him again for that."

Will has been looking at his brother while Dr. Charles talks. But looks up when he finally realizes what he is saying to him.

"What I was going to suggest is, I think you and you only should stay with him until he's awake, talking to him so your voice is the first thing he hears. This will give him a sense of security before he is even fully awake. There will be no further need for sedatives, so we have a chance to actually talk to him. We need to establish with him that he is safe, that we are here with him and for him. Then he can start healing.

"Okay. Okay, thanks."

Rhodes comes back in, "We good?"

Will, looks down at his brother, resting his hand on his head for a moment. "Ya, let's go."

The three of them wheel Jay down to CT. With a nod to both doctors, Dr. Charles leaves them, heading into the waiting room to talk to the members of Intelligence.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Erin POV

"Guys…" Dr. Charles enters as Will and Conner continue on with Jay. He pulls up a chair and moves it closer to where we are all silently freaking out in the corner. "They're taking Jay down for a CT," he must see the look on my face because he speaks directly to me, "Just a precaution. Jay had a panic attack. Will and I talked and we've come up with a plan that I feel is the best course of action. So, for the time being, we'll only have Will in Jay's room…" He pauses. I think he was expecting a fight from us but we're all a little shellshocked at what just happened. "We think it would be better if there is, for lack of a better word and given the situation, less stimulation when he wakes up." We all nod. It's not that we have much say in the matter. As much as I want to be in there with Jay, I get it. I just want him to feel safe.

Dr. Charles then pulls a Dr. Charles, "Okay, that said, onward…How are you all doing, is there anything I can do for you?"

No one says anything, Al looks around the group but that is all the answer Dr. Charles gets from us, until Adam speaks up.

"I don't know how to be," he looks at all of us, I'm not sure if it's embarrassment at the question or hope for support in it but he continues, "with Jay. I don't know what to say or how to be. I don't know how to help him and I don't want to fuck up, sorry, I don't want to screw anything up and say something that will upset him." I think Ruzek might have hit on something we're all feeling, although by the looks of it, some us didn't know we were feeling this way.

"Just be yourself. I think that's all Jay would want. Follow his lead with the conversation. For now, I would especially avoid the topic unless he brings it up."

Voight states the obvious, "We'll need to talk to him for the case."

"I understand that but we're going to have to take a different tact where Jay is concerned. For most sexual assault victims it's hard to talk about what happened. Where Jay is concerned there will be an added discomfort since he knows you, you are his colleagues, his family. Let's cross that bridge when we come to it. I'll check back in with you in a bit. If you need anything, my door is always open."

"Sexual assault victim…" I mumble. It's too much. I pull my knees up to my chest, burying my face in them and let out the quiet sobs that I can't hold in anymore.

WILL POV

I'm sitting here staring at my brother, desperately waiting for him to wake up but at the same time feeling trepidation for what Jay will have to face when he is awake, both physically and mentally. I've been sitting here almost two hours. His CT was clear. We're thinking he has a pretty bad concussion but won't really know how bad until he wakes up.

So, here I sit, feeling like I'm going to puke, trying not to think of what he might've gone through but no matter how hard I try to think of something else, my mind still goes back to those thoughts. That's what _I'm_ going through. I can't imagine what this is going to do to Jay when he is finally awake for good and not constantly sedated.

Jay's eyes start to flutter as he finally starts to wake. When he finally opens his eyes it's with a wince. His eyes are sensitive to the bright lights. God, how could I be so stupid. He's got a fucking concussion and I don't think to turn off the overhead lights. I rush to turn off the lights with a 'sorry bro' but he stops me.

"No don't!"

I sputter out, "Ya, okay, sorry," as I go and sit back down.

He closes his eyes and sighs. He is picking at the tape covering the IV in his hand. I want to tell him to stop but his hand is trembling and I don't want him to know I noticed. Actually, I'm not sure if he is even aware of it.

I don't really know what else to say. I can't ask him how he's doing. One look at his bruised and battered body can tell me that. He's got a pretty bad concussion from what Flen did to him; compounded by his flight off the bed, as well as the beating he took when that asshole got into his room. I can't ask him how he is doing mentally because I'm sure _that_ pain runs deeper than any physical injury ever could. So, I stare at him with a tight smile. Nothing I say can comfort him or help him.

Since I don't know what to do, and feel like an idiot, I switch to Doctor mode. I need to check on his concussion.

"You've got a pretty nasty concussion, bud. I need to check how bad, so bear with me." He doesn't give me the eye roll I was expecting and I guess, hoping for. Instead he just looks at me and sighs. I guess that will have to do for now.

I pull out my pen light and turn it on, "I know for sure this is going to suck but it's gotta be done." Again, no response. He just, once again, acquiesced to my request. I would give anything for him to be the stubborn, sarcastic, sometimes asshole, I know and love.

I shine the light in his eyes and he winces but keeps them open. "Are you dizzy? I know you have a headache, but are you nauseous, ringing in your ears?" I didn't realize until right now, that I'm not even sure he knows who I am. God, my stupid is palpable.

"Jay, do you know who I am?"

"My brother. Will."

Okay. THIS FUCKING SUCKS! There were so many awesomely sarcastic answers he could have given me. I can't do this. He has a concussion, we'll monitor it regardless of how bad it is. Wake him up every two hours, watch for cognitive decline, etc. I can't handle this.

I sit back down. "You have a concussion. We'll have to wake you up every two hours."

He's in obvious pain, so I can fill time by asking him if he needs meds. "Do you need any pain meds?"

Long pause… "No."

"What's your pain level?"

This he ignores, which isn't a surprise. He wouldn't have told the truth anyway. I'm guessing a 7 or an 8 but that doesn't matter. No meds.

I'm not sure how long we sit there in silence. He is mostly looking at the corner of the ceiling or his hands laying in his lap. He seems fine with the silence. I am internally freaking out. But then again, maybe he is too, probably he is too. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I am so profoundly sad.

I try not to choke up but fail, "I love you."

He finally looks at me and sighs, "I know. I love you too."

I can tell Jay wants to ask me something and I think I know what it is. But I'm too much of a chicken shit to broach the subject. Jay interrupts my thoughts with the question I knew he was struggling to ask.

"You did a rape kit?"

"Ya, we don't have the results yet. How much do you remember," I notice the look on his face, "from when you got to the hospital?"

He doesn't say anything, just looks up at the corner of the room. I can't tell what he's thinking.

"Nothing really…nothing…" He trails off and looks at the corner of the ceiling again.

"Jay I…"

"I need to talk to Voight."

I'm a bit stunned so I just sit there. "Uh, ya sure."

I'm almost at the door when he clarifies his statement.

"Just Voight."

"Okay bud, I'll get him." Before I walk out, I add, "I'll be in the waiting room if you need anything," but he's already focused on his corner again.

I head down to the waiting room where all of Intelligence is waiting. No one notices that I've entered until I clear my throat, "Voight," everyone seems to sit up in attention for any news I might share. I give them a slight smile of support but also as an apology.

"Jay wants to see you." Voight gets up and heads to Jay's room, ignoring the confused looks of the rest of the team. I'm sure all of them are thinking the same thing as me, that Voight seems like the last person Jay would want to see. I sit down next to Erin and give her hand a squeeze.

VOIGHT POV

I pause in the door a sec giving him a chance to notice me. When his eyes finally look in my direction, I walk in and take a seat. I know I can't be anything but honest. It's the reason I'm sitting here instead of anyone else. He knows I'll tell the truth and won't sugarcoat anything.

"What's up kid?"

He doesn't answer but looks at me, chewing his lip for a second and then asks a question of his own in the strongest voice he can manage given the circumstances.

"There was a camera?"

"Yeah, he had a video camera on a tripod."

"There's video?"

"Downloaded onto a computer. There's also pictures, hard copy."

"Pictures," he closes his eyes as he pauses the conversation, then looks at me with steel in his eyes, "I want to see them. The pictures, video."

I look at him trying to assess his mental status. I saw how he asked the question with steel but I also saw that waver to fear and back again.

"Ok, I'll be right back."

I give him a last look from the door. He's closed his eyes and I can tell he is trying to get control of his breathing.

I walk back into the waiting room and everyone looks at me in expectation. I ignore them and head over to Al, nodding towards the leather bag he has been holding since we got Jay out of the apartment. Only Al, Dawson and I know what's in it. Only I have looked at the pictures. I catch Erin's eye as I grab the bag and make to leave. She is pissed and doesn't want to be kept out of the loop but she's just going to have to sit there and wait with the rest of them. I realize she wants information so she knows how she can help Jay. But as much as I love her, I really don't give a rats ass what she or anyone else wants right now, there is some information that isn't mine to tell. What Jay wants and/or needs is my only concern at this moment.

When I leave the waiting room and see Dr. Charles at the nurses station, I give a nod towards Jay's room, he fall's in beside me and plants himself just down from Jay's room in case he's needed. I hesitate at the door trying to see where Jay is mentally. He's just lying there with his eyes closed, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. I'm not sure if he's on the brink of having a panic attack or if he's just trying to get ahead of the possibility of one. He doesn't open his eyes until I'm almost to the bed. He looks me in the eye before his attention settles on the bag.

"You sure you want to do this kid?" He doesn't answer me, just nods towards the bag. I let out a sigh and raise the head of the bed so he is sitting up a bit more. I stop when he winces but Jay just huffs and holds the button until he is sitting up almost all the way. I know what he's doing. Even though the pain is written all over his face from sitting up so straight, it's not as vulnerable position as lying down almost flat on your back.

I let out another long sigh and get the pictures out of the bag, hesitating, hoping he'll change his mind. He gives me a hard look so I hand him the pictures, leaving my hand on the edge of the bed, not touching him but in a show of passive support. It doesn't go unnoticed, as he glances at my hand and then focuses on the pictures. He takes a couple of deep breaths and starts to go through them one by one.

I've gone through those pictures a couple of times myself. I know what he's seeing, so I look at him instead of the pictures. He's trying to be stoic but failing miserably. He wavers between fear and shame. I'm sure the fear is of what the next picture might show. Watching Jay do this just kindles the rage I feel at Flen. He goes through them once, then again, hands trembling more and more with each picture, until he can't hold them and they fall from his hands onto his lap.

He crosses his arms against his chest, hands in fists to stop them from shaking. He squeezes his eyes shut, head down. I want to comfort him, give his shoulder a squeeze so he knows I'm here for him but I know I can't touch him. Instead, I sit back down in the chair and wait, letting him make the first move.

He finally looks at me and his face is filled with rage.

"Where are the rest?"

There are no pictures of sexual assault of any nature. Jay's wondering where those pictures are and is pissed that I would dare keep them from him. There are none. There is video of the kid getting the shit beat out of him, of him being tormented by Flen, of Jay laying on the floor in various states of undress. It's obvious that the pictures are frames directly from the video.

The majority of the video consists of Jay in the process of being tortured, tasered and beaten. He's out of it for most of the video, either passing out from the torture, panic attacks or the Ketamine. Three or four of the times when Jay comes to, he only becomes awake enough to have a panic attack and pass out again when he couldn't get control of his breath.

There are countless times on the video when he is tasered into unconsciousness or beaten until he passes out. It looked like the camera was continuously recording. Mouse couldn't find any cuts and is going through it again to be sure. The video itself doesn't show any rape. The only thing close to or leaning towards the eventuality of it, would be when Flen would run a finger over Jay's chest or down his neck or lay a hand on his chest, at one point running his hand up his leg. But those touches were always followed with an injection of what we believe was Ketamine, or at least that is what was in his system when we first found him and was then used again by the asshole in his room.

"That's all there is kid…I swear."

"Bullshit. I want to see the rest. I want to see the video." He's angry but I recognize desperation when his voice cracks.

"I'm telling you straight Jay. Those are the only pictures and they are frames taken directly from the video. Mouse is going through the video frame by frame as we speak."

He winces at that, then stares at me. Wanting to believe me.

"There's a reason why _I'm_ in here with you and not anyone else, right? You know I'm not going to bullshit you, that I won't sugarcoat anything. If there were more pictures they would have been in that stack."

He continues to stare at me and lets out a shaky breath. "Okay…when Mouse is done I wanna see the video."

I sigh. On any other day, the kid's usual stubborn streak would've drove me nuts, today though, I'm happy to see it. It's Jay.

Jay goes back to looking at the ceiling until he finally succumbs to exhaustion and falls in to an uneasy sleep. I stay there for awhile watching him, noticing the occasional wince or how his eyes dart back and forth under his eyelids. I lower the bed down a bit so he is more comfortable and a few moments later he seems to resting a little easier.

I have my suspicions or I guess you could say, my hope, of what was really happening here but want to wait until Mouse is done going through the video again and the results of the rape kit come back. My bet though, is that there wasn't any rape, but Flen wanted him to think so and he succeeded in that. No, I think Flen's ultimate goal was to perpetrate a major mind fuck on Jay and he succeeded…royally.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

A/N

 _[words in brackets like this are from Voight's end of a phone call with Adam]_

ADAM'S POV

At Will's request, Dr. Charles had a conversation with us knowing Jay would eventually leave the hospital AMA. He told us we should follow Jay's lead. If he wants to talk listen. If he doesn't want to talk, just be present. If he wants to be alone, then leave him "alone," alone in quotes since we can't physically leave him alone til the guy is caught. But all in all to just let Jay take the lead.

Not two hours later, I find myself an accomplice to Jay's escape. The nurses knew it was coming because they didn't make a fuss and had the AMA form ready at the nurses station. It was a slow painful escape. No wheelchair. Jay was being the stubborn ass I know and love and would "fucking walk to the car." I use the word walk loosely. It was really a limpy shuffle, ankle wrapped and stiff, arm across his injured ribs, head down to avoid the looks of people seeing his battered face. To avoid the looks of people he knew seeing him.

When we get to Jay's apartment, his hands are shaking too much to get the key in the lock. He moves away from the door and hands me the keys. As soon as we're in he heads straight for his room and shuts the door. I head for the couch. A few minutes later I hear the shower.

A long 45 minutes later and he's still in the shower, which concerns me. With each passing minute I was getting more and more freaked out. For my own peace of mind, I go and check on him. When I get to the bathroom, the door is slightly ajar. Not knowing what I should do but worried Jay might be hurt, I rap on the door while peaking my head in. What I find breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. Jay is sitting on the shower floor, knees to chest, sobbing as the water rains down on him. I back out, noticing all of the bandages he removed on the floor and leave the door as it was and go back to the living room.

Another 10 minutes and I am ready to head in again but this time make my presence known, the shower turns off. Shortly, Jay limps out pale and shivering. The bruises a stark contrast to how pale his face is. He looks like he could pass out any second. He's dressed in baggy sweats and a Blackhawks sweatshirt. I can see at least two more shirts under the sweatshirt. The sweats on his one leg are pulled up to mid calf to keep them from rubbing against the stitches on his ankle and lower leg. He never lowers his heel to the ground - black stitches holding together angry red wounds won't allow it. Those cuffs really did a number on him, I don't know how he is even walking. I'm sure none of his other bandages have been replaced after his shower. I'll have to let Will know.

His only acknowledgement of me is a brief flick of his red-rimmed eyes in my direction as he slowly heads to the kitchen. I go back to rereading the contents of the file on my lap. Or should I say, I reread the same paragraph for the umpteenth time.

I can see him in the kitchen, hands on the counter with his head down. I can't see his face but I'm sure his eyes are closed and he's trying to school his face as he gets his breathing under control with sniper breaths.

After a moment he asks me if I want some coffee.

I want to get up and offer to make it but I let it go and give him a nod.

"Sure."

He doesn't say anything else but I can hear him rattling around the kitchen with an occasional 'fuck' or 'goddammit' as something goes askew in his coffee making busy work.

Way more than a few minutes later Jay slowly exits the kitchen carrying two travel mugs of coffee. He hands one to me with slightly shaking hands and continues on his way to the bedroom. At least he didn't shut the door this time.

I watch him go as anger and sadness battle it out in my head. My heart clenching to the point of taking my breath away.

It's my turn to get my breathing under control as the anger overcomes the sadness and I sit on the couch wondering what I can get away with punching. Nothing. Instead I give the anger five minutes free reign to roil through my system before I shut it down.

I have calmed my breathing enough to go back to rereading my chosen paragraph when Jay makes another appearance. I look up expecting to see his eyes downcast, which has been the norm, when I see he is looking right at me. Waiting for me to acknowledge him. He looks me in the eye for the first time since we found him. I hold his gaze trying to convey everything I feel towards him. Everything I think he needs to see. Acceptance, love, friendship, support; and maybe a touch of anger for what he has gone through. He finally breaks the connection and slowly sits down. He didn't see what he was afraid he would see in my eyes; judgment, pity, disgust…he wouldn't see those. They don't exist in my thoughts.

We sit there quietly sipping our coffee when he finally talks, his voice hoarse from nonuse.

"What are you reading."

I feel compelled to lie. I don't want him to see it's a file on his case. I take a breath and tell the truth. "Witness statements from people at the gym, your apartment building and the two blocks in-between."

There is an uncomfortable silence. Finally he says, "I don't remember where they grabbed me."

I nod. I would write that down later. "We're thinking it was from outside the gym. You told Kev you were going to the gym when you guys were leaving work."

Quietly, "I don't remember that."

"It's okay. Your car was at home. Since we know that sometimes you park your car at home and then walk to the gym, we're covering all the bases.

"When we checked your apartment it didn't look like you had gone in. Just parked your car and walked over."

At that statement he winces. The breach in privacy would make anyone uncomfortable, no matter how necessary it was.

"Can I see it?"

Fuck. My hesitation is for a nanosecond then I hand it over. I watch him as he slowly goes through the file. Finally, Jay points to a page and at the same paragraph I had been reading over and over when Jay came in.

"This seems familiar."

I take the file and read the paragraph again. This time the info sticks. I hand it back to him.

"What's familiar about it?"

"Not sure." His voice is quieter, more hoarse. He takes a sip of his coffee, clears his throat and winces. When he sets his cup down, the tremble in his hand is a bit more pronounced. An uneasiness settles over him as he re-reads the statement. He shifts in his seat, his body language is screaming at me. He might not remember consciously but subconsciously does.

Walking towards the kitchen, I call Voight.

"We might have something…one of the witnesses from outside the gym…Jay…"

Jay continues to stare at the paper. He's not reading it anymore, his eyes aren't focused.

[ _Adam what do ya got?]_

"Hold on a sec, Boss. Jay…" I try a little louder. "Jay…"

I sit back down on the couch. He looks up at me like he's confused.

I try to break through to him in a softer, calmer voice.

"Jay…hey Jay, can I have the file." He looks at the file. "The file Jay, can I see it."

[ _Adam!]_

Jay hands over the file and I look at him but he's back to averting his eyes. I feel that little squeeze of my heart again as I go back to Voight.

I calmly get up, moving towards the kitchen but keeping an eye on Jay.

"Boss, Jay looked at the statements from the canvas. There was a guy outside the gym that seemed familiar to him."

[" _He remembers who took him?" - with this statement the rest of the team gathers round]_

"No, no, he was reading the statement and he thought something seemed familiar to him but he didn't know what."

[ _Okay, what's the name? - Al picks up the original of the file and opens it. Ready for the name.]_

"John Simmons." I turn away from Jay for a sec and talk to Voight in a quieter voice.

"Voight, Jay had visceral reaction to this guys statement. I think this guy was involved."

 _["Al's going through the file looking for the interview. What did Simmon's say in his interview?"]_

He takes a peek at Jay who still has his head down. "Ah…it says here…Simmons saw Jay cutting through the lot from the sidewalk…he didn't see him get out of a car…he thought Jay was heading towards the side door of the gym. Simmons said he was meeting a friend but thought he might have gone to the wrong gym and he went to ask Jay if there was another gym nearby…"

 _["Did he notice anyone else in the area? Anything suspicious?" - at this point Al has the the interview and they have all gathered around reading as Adam talks them through it. Erin takes out her phone to call the contact number for Simmons.]_

"No. Nothing suspicious. Simmon's said it was a quick exchange. He had said, 'Hey buddy, is there another gym in the area…'" Adam hears a sharp intake of breath from the living room and glances at Jay who looks like he's going to be sick. "Then Simmons said, '…I think I'm at the wrong gym.' Jay told him the closest one was a Gold's about 6 blocks further down. The guy said he thanked him and got in his car. He didn't notice if Jay actually went in the gym or not. That was it for the interview."

He watches Jay get up from the couch and hears over the phone Erin saying the line is disconnected. Jay almost makes it to his bedroom. He reaches for the doorframe, misses and goes down in a heap.

"Boss I gotta go. Jay's down!"

 _[Adam…Adam! Al get over there. Get Will, Jay's down. The rest of you track this guy down. Erin, who did the interview?_

 _Um…Baker._

 _Son of a bitch! Goddammit! Can we catch a fucking break here]_

Jay is out cold crumpled in the door way. I don't crowd him but quietly call his name. I don't want a repeat of what happened in the hospital. When Jay starts to come to, I back up a bit more.

"Hey…Jay, it's Adam. You okay there?"

Jay startles then briefly opens his eyes, swears under his breath and tries to slow his breathing. Fucking shit! I scared him. Suddenly Jay's body stiffens, then he's struggling to get up. I go to help him but he flinches away from me and moves faster, which is actually pretty fast considering his injuries. He grabs the doorway for support and stumbles through his bedroom to the bathroom, slamming the door. A moment later I hear him throwing up. Fuck. I lean against the wall outside the door incase he needs me. Five minutes later I hear the shower turn on. I slide down the wall and put my head down. This blows man. This whole fucking thing blows.

Al pokes his head into the bedroom sometime later, "Adam…"

I don't say anything but start to get up and nod to the door. He retreats and I follow him out to the living room.

"Fucking shit Al. I'm not sure what part triggered it but he passed out when I was reading the guy's statement to Voight. He came to a minute later, I fucking scared him…" Al gives me an understanding nod, which I was having none of…I'm a fucking idiot. FUCK. "…and a second later he was scrambling for the bathroom. Like an idiot I tried to help him up and scared him again and he flinched away from me…" I'm getting more and more worked up when Al grabs my shoulder and gives it a squeeze.

"It's okay. Breathe. Will's on his way."

I take a breath, nod and continue, "…he gets up, heads to the bathroom, slams the door and pukes for about 5 minutes. Right now he's taking another shower."


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

5 DAYS LATER

Since he can't be alone, I'm still at Jay's. As much as I know it bugs the shit out of him, he's injured and Simmons is still out there. For whatever reason, I've been the only one he's allowed to 'guard' him and only Will is allowed to actually 'visit' him. In other words, he'll only talk _to_ Will. I just hang out in the living room. Even Al or Erin weren't really welcomed. That first day, after the "passing out, puking, shower drama," Jay eventually came out to get more coffee and didn't so much as acknowledge Al's presence. He stayed in his room until Al left.

We had all texted about it and it was decided that I would stay. We knew he was okay with Will, so he had emotional and medical support on that front. Erin even nixed the idea of her going over when it was suggested. They all knew he was afraid of what he would see in their faces, how we would react to him. No one wanted to cause him more anxiety.

It was yesterday that Will came over and told Jay the rape kit came back negative. The visit seemed to play out like Will's other visits with Jay - Will having a one-sided conversation with him, followed by some yelling from Jay, followed by Jay sobbing until he passed out from exhaustion. A while later, Will would come out, grab us each a beer, turn on a game, ignore it and silently cry, while I pretend I don't see his tears and he pretends he doesn't see mine.

I've been back in asshole mode for the last couple of days - I'm glad Jay doesn't come out of his room. Can you believe that?! I'm a fucking mess and when Will comes over, it's triggers the sadness part of _my_ emotional rollercoaster. I've taken to hanging in the hallway outside Jay's apartment until Will brings me my beer. I know it's safe to go back in then. 'Safe.' See, fucking asshole mode. Jesus Christ.

I'm hanging in the hall waiting for and dreading my beer's arrival, when Voight walks up and actually sits against the wall across from me.

"Will's here? How you holding up Adam?"

I nod to the first question, a sigh is my answer to the second.

"We found him. We got Simmons. Al and I took him to the Silos…"

With that statement, the relief I briefly felt turns in to a tidal wave of anxiety.

"Easy Adam, easy. He's in the cage. No matter what I want, Jay wouldn't want that. We just wanted to scare him a bit. Simmons is probably the first person I didn't scare the shit out of by taking them to the Silos."

That elicits a pained smile from me. "Your losing your touch…"

"Hmph…We haven't officially booked him yet…haven't talked to him. We're letting him stew."

With that he gets up. "I'll let you tell Jay."

"Right. Thanks Boss."

"Hey Jay…" I lean into the bedroom. Jay's laying on his bed, Will sitting next to him. Jay's arm is over his eyes. By the way his body is shaking, I can tell he's crying. Fuck.

Will turns around, glares at me, pissed at my intrusion.

"Hey Jay, they got him. They caught Simmons."

Jay doesn't move for a sec then using the heels of his hands, wipes away any evidence of tears.

Jay looks directly at me, voice thick with emotion. "Where is he?"

"The cage."

"Voight talk to him yet?"

"No. They're letting him stew."

A number of emotions cross Jay's bruised face until he finally puts his arm back over his eyes.

Will gets up and gives Jay's shoulder a squeeze, then follows me to the living room.

Will sits at the island, this time I grab us our beers. We drink in a comfortable silence. It's over…Jay's voice from the bedroom interrupts my thoughts…

"Adam…"

I lean in the bedroom door just as Jay is painfully struggling to pull on a henley. I wince as I take in the bruises and taser burns on his chest and stomach. A brutal reminder of how stupid my last thought was…for Jay, this far from over.

"Ya Jay?"

"Let's go."

Dammit Jay. "Ah, go where?"

He gives me the eyebrow raise, which isn't quite as effective given the stitches right above it.

"Jay…"

"Don't Adam. Just don't." The glare he gives me gets me moving.

Jay stops in front of Will and gives him a hard look, daring him to say anything.

"Fuck, Jay. Fine." He puts his hands up in surrender, looks at me instead of Jay, "Call me if you need anything. I'll be at work" I exchange one more worried/exasperated look with Will and head out the door after Jay.

As soon as we get in the car, Jay slumps against the door, head resting on the cool glass. He's out in seconds, his defiance having spent all of his energy.

INTELLIGENCE INTERROGATION ROOM

I'm watching Jay's reflection in the glass as _he_ watches Voight and Al interview Simmons through the one way mirror. Jay stands statue still. The stoic mask he usually has no problem dawning is absent and a multitude of emotions flit unchecked across his face. Shame and fear are the two that linger the longest and this makes my heart clench.

I want to make everything better for my friend. I want us to all go back to where we were before this whole shit show. I want Jay to ride my ass when I'm stupid, smirk at my bad jokes or my sometimes blatant and idiotic naivety. I want to hear sarcasm fire from his mouth even if it's at my expense. My inner asshole-ness rears its ugly head - I want old Jay. Not this quiet one. Not this one who flinches. Not this one who won't look anyone in the eye. I look at real Jay, huh, real Jay…I look at real Jay not his reflection and feel like I am mourning the loss of a friend. I blink away tears and feel that clench in my heart again that I have become so familiar with. I wonder if it can kill you when, for lack of a better word, 'angst' squeezes your heart like that?

I turn back to the glass and look through Jay's reflection at Simmons. My stomach tightens, when Simmons gets smug and says it doesn't matter that they caught him.

"We got what he wanted. Jay will never know if it happened or not regardless of what a rape kit says," He looks at the glass knowing Jay is watching, "because it _FEELS_ like it happened, doesn't it Jay?"

Simmons ignores Voight and keeps his eyes on the glass, "Jay will always wonder."

Voight puts an end to that bullshit and gets in Simmons' face, "That's where you're wrong, asshole. Flen video taped the whole thing - continuous. No breaks. We know exactly what happened. Jay knows exactly what happened."

Simmons sits for a second in disbelief, the smug look slowly slipping from his face, his mind spinning, internally cursing Flen because he knows it's true. That's exactly the stupid ass shit Flen would do. In the blink of an eye that disbelief turns into rage.

Simmons rages and pulls at the handcuff attaching him to the table. Cursing them, cursing Flen, cursing Jay. Voight smirks, then stoically turns to the glass, knowing Jay is behind it. Al smiles from his corner.

Jay watches the guy rage for a moment and then slowly limps his way back to the bullpen. I follow him a moment later. The rest of the team all notice Jay come back into the room but continue their work, with the exception of Erin. Her eyes linger a little longer. Although he's not cleared to be on desk duty yet, not until he is cleared physically and mentally, Jay sits at his desk staring at his stapler as he bites his bottom lip **.**

 **JAY**

Jay feels like he's trapped in a rat's nest of emotions as Simmons words circle again and again in his mind;

'it feels like it happened, doesn't it Jay?'

'what the rape kit says doesn't matter,'

'Jay will always wonder'

Around and around and around they spin until he feels like he is on the verge of a panic attack. He makes a quick exit, limping to the restroom just as Voight and Al come back into the room. Al sits down at his desk. With a slight nod of the head and raise of an eyebrow, Voight follows Jay.

When he gets to the restroom, Voight finds Jay throwing up in the sink, not able to make it to the toilet. He stands against the opposite wall giving Jay his space. His mind goes back to the brief conversation he had with a freaked out Will.

 _"_ _Voight, Jay's on his way. Adam told him you caught the guy."_

 _"_ _Okay, thanks for letting me know. We'll take care of him Will."_

 _"_ _No, Voight…uh, yesterday when I told Jay about the rape kit coming back negative… Ah, shit…based on his reaction yesterday and the conversation we had awhile ago, I don't think he believes me. I don't know what to do. I'm going to call Dr. Charles and see what he says. Just wanted to let you know…I'm not sure…"_

 _"_ _You're not sure how he'll react."_

 _"_ _Exactly, so maybe you could…"_

 _"_ _Will, he's on his way, we'll take care of him, you have my word on that. Let me call Dr. Charles and see what he has to say."_

 _"_ _Ya, good idea…thanks Voight."_

His conversation with Dr. Charles comes to the forefront while he keeps an eye on Jay.

 _"_ _That's a good question Voight and so, here's what I think; No, Jay doesn't quite believe the results of the rape kit, even though you have a video to back it up. The feelings and the bits of memories he does have contradict it. I have seen this before and it is quite normal. He wants to believe. He is more that likely desperate to believe but Jay is re-experiencing the memories and the feelings he had while Flen held him and he is terrified." He continued, "Jay doesn't remember all of what happened to him. And he might never remember. What he does have, are feelings based on the snippets of what he does remember. His subconscious is filling in the blanks and assigning experiences of what those feelings might possibly represent to him. What we do know, is that he went through something traumatic. So we trust the feelings. That is where the healing will start. When he is ready, we can use the video to get him to the point of belief, while continuing to work through his feelings."_

After rinsing and spitting a couple of times, Jay keeps his head down, rinsing the sink until it's probably cleaner than when his stomach tried to belly flop into it. Not able to avoid Voight any longer, he puts his head up. With a firm grip on the sink, Jay's eyes flit to his own battered reflection in the mirror but don't have the courage to stay. He looks at Voight's reflection instead, able to look Voight in the eye but is unwilling to speak.

"What'd ya need kid?"

Not knowing what to say because he hasn't a clue what he needs, he blows out a breath and looks down again.

Occasionally Voight is patient, right now is one of those times. He'll wait. Still unable to look at himself in the mirror, Jay turns and faces Voight.

He shrugs and shakes his head, "Haven't a clue."

"Okay. When you know, talk to me…anything you need, got it?"

"Got it. Thanks Voight."

Feeling like the walls are closing in on him, unable to stay a moment longer, Jay leaves the bathroom…leaves the building…and limps to anywhere other than where he is. Unfortunately, wherever you go there you are. He's not sure where he's going but he's stuck with who he is right now and not sure he can handle it.

Voight blows out a breath and watches Jay limp away in obvious pain, physical and emotional warring for dominance.

Simmons won't talk. That's unacceptable. He heads down to the rollup and pulls out a burner phone. Time to get some answers from Simmons. Time to give Eddie a call at Statesville.

MED ER Room 1

Will has drawn the short straw and is with Jonathan Grant, Med's infamous hypochondriac, on his weekly visit. Dr. Halstead patiently listens to the symptoms of the chosen disease, taken word for word from WebMD, when Jay limps into the ER. What the hell?

Even though he just saw him a couple of hours ago, Jay's physical appearance can still startle him. Jay looks like shit, bruises, cuts, stitches…he moves slow…still holds his arm protectively across his ribs.

Will is distracted with Jay's arrival and excuses himself from Mr. Grant. He wants to ask Jay how things went at the precinct but figures Jay will tell him in his own time. So he goes with a benign question instead.

"Jay, what's up? You okay?"

"Uh, ya, ya, I'm good."

"Where's Adam? Wait, did you walk here?"

"Kind of…"

"Jesus Christ, Jay. You're in no condition to be walking this far. Shit, you shouldn't have even left the apartment. Couch, bathroom, bed and that's it."

Jay tunes Will out and watches Mr. Grant in room 1. On any other day, Jay would have given Will a hard time about his "regular" patient. Will has yet to figure out that he always draws the short straw because Maggie's rigged the system.

Jay's focus comes back to Will but he doesn't say anything.

"Jay?"

"They caught the guy, the other guy. He basically confessed…"

Will already knew this, was there when Jay found out, but decides lets it slide.

"I'm just going to hang out until you're done."

This has happened a few times in the last 5 days. "Sure okay. I'll find you then. If you want you can lay down in 6. If we need it, we'll move ya. Or in the Dr.'s lounge."

As Jay shuffles off, his limp more pronounced, Will goes back to Mr. Grant, deciding to let the lonely man be a brief distraction from his never ending thoughts on Jay.

Jay 's aimless, limpy wandering has brought him to Dr. Charles' office. Maybe not as aimless as he thought. Somewhat stunned this is where he ended up, he bites the bullet and raps on the open door. He leans against the frame, going for relaxed but failing miserably. His countenance screaming both physical and emotional pain.

Dr. Charles looks up from the stack of papers he's working on and a smile lights up his face when he sees his visitor is Jay. He removes his glasses and quickly tones down the smile with an open, more "professional" look, not wanting to scare him away with his hope that Jay's sought him out for help.

"Jay, good to see you up and about. What can I do for you?"

He waits patiently for Jay to answer. He has all the time in the world for this young man.

"Do you have a few minutes?"

"Sure. Go ahead and close the door." He gestures to the chair piled with books, "We can just put those on the floor."

"No need. Mr. Grant is in the ER. Will's probably going to be calling you in a few minutes."

He nods, "Okay then. What can I do for you?"

Jay clears his throat. "They got the other guy…this morning. Mouse did his Mouse thing…" he shrugs. "Voight and Al just finished the interrogation, guy basically confessed. Uh…" He sighs and takes a deep breath, wincing in pain as his injured ribs protest. He's silent for a moment, waiting for the pain to subside but mostly stalling, realizing this is harder than he thought it would be.

"I'm on med leave for 3 weeks and then probably light duty for another week or so…I was wondering if you had any time…"

"How does tomorrow, 10 o'clock sound."

There's a beat as Jay struggles with his desire to say no. He's not ready for this.

"Sounds good…" he lingers for a second until Dr. Charles' phone rings. He gives the doctor an amused 'hmph' and raises an eyebrow at the phone, "Will."

"See ya tomorrow." Jay states with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes and a voice lacking any emotion.

"See ya tomorrow, Jay."

Jay nods then moves away from the door. He hesitates and turns back to the doctor. Dr. Charles sees this, lifts the receiver on the ringing phone and sets it back down to stop the ringing.

"Jay…"

"I don't know why."

Dr. Charles takes this in, he knows this, knows from Voight that they don't know why and that Jay doesn't know who Flen and Simmons are or where he might have crossed paths with them.

"I know Jay. I know. We'll all figure this out together. We will."

Jay breathes out.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Jay."

Jay takes as deep as a breath as his ribs will allow and slowly releases it.

"Tomorrow.

END

 **A/N**

 **Even though Jay wasn't raped, he was sexually assaulted. The unwanted, non consensual touching in a sexual way is sexual assault. Not any less traumatic, although at times there is relief that there was no rape. For every person the trauma will vary. There are really good articles on the internet defining sexual assault/sexual abuse/rape/sexual harassment. Being a sexual abuse/rape survivor myself, I am writing from some experience but my experience and feelings are my own, although others may share them. For me, time heals all wounds but that doesn't mean there isn't scar tissue and sometimes scar tissue hurts like a bitch but the pain passes. I love who I am today and all of the experiences in my life, good and bad, have brought me to this point. You're not alone.**


End file.
